Pole-dancing (and other proposed Olympic events)

The move is afoot to add pole-dancing to the Olympics. No, I’m not making that up, and no, I’m not talking about what happens every Saturday night in clubs all over Warsaw. If you’ve suffered through “athletic” competitions like synchronized swimming (Busby Berkeley choreography in water), curling (there’s a pregnant woman on the Canadian team) and ice dancing (really, wouldn’t we all enjoy it more if it were ice line dancing?) you probably figured it was only a matter of time. My guess is that the judges will stuff dollar bills into the athletes’ thongs, and whoever closes the cabaret down with the most cash wins gold. From a development standpoint this one would be easy on the organizing committee, since there are already a lot of venues out by the airport.

So today S&R leaps into the fray with some recommendations for new sports we’d love to see added to the 2014 Winter Games.

  • Bobcross: We love skicross. We love snowboardcross. We love bobsledding. Give us four sleds and a course carved out of the side of a mountain of ice – first to the bottom wins. We think you’d need a two-man (men’s and women’s, of course), a four-man and an eight-man coed competition. Trust me, ain’t nobody beating Jimmie Johnson, the driver of the US-1 sled, to the bottom of the hill.
  • Nude Luge: We really can’t wait for the mixed doubles here.
  • Men’s Pairs Ice Prancing: Hell, we’re 99% of the way there already. To make it interesting, teams will be paired with contestants from Project Runway on the costume design portion of the competition. Tim Gunn can coach the US team and judging will be handled by Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia and Topamericandesignermichael Kors.

Scholars & Rogues supports the ongoing mission of the International Olympic Committee to grow the Olympic tradition. In fact, I personally am already in training for the 2016 Summer Games, where I hope to medal in the Walking Down to the 7-11 to Grab a Quick Cup of Coffee competition.

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7 thoughts on “Pole-dancing (and other proposed Olympic events)”

  1. Thanks for this, I really needed a laugh.

    Gotta watch those razor-sharp runners on the nude luge, though, lest there be lots of unintended eunuchs racing the course.

    At least the parts would be kept on ice for medical reattachment after each run.

    Wait a sec – isn’t there a song titled “Detachable Penis?”

  2. Ice prancing. . . good idea. Besides topamericandesigner Michal Kors, we need one more judge — the inevitable “fashion icon.” An ice-prancing icon would do, but there aren’t any yet.

  3. I know, how about mixing hurdles with the ski jump? You get scored by how many you clear – and how many you can avoid running into when you finally do land.

    Hell, I’d watch more for the crash factor alone.

    Or maybe we should just put the IOC members out there and have the women ski jumpers go for “runaway ski javelin.”

  4. How about Ice Diving? If nothing else, it would provide the Detroit Red Wings with a new venue for scouting talent.

    Also, now that both Swedish hockey teams have been eliminated, and with prospects dim for the foreseeable future, we need a sport that the Swedes can really compete in. Say, don’t they have a lot of fisting bars around Stockholm? Hmmm, how does one make something like that competitive?

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